Neurotic To The Bone, No Doubt About It
by spacemonkey69
Summary: AU. Chandler goes looking for a new apartment, specifically, Joey's apartment. Set in Season 7, Chanoey. Please Read and Review!


Okay, hi everyone! So this story is a result of a challenge set over at Livejournal. The Challenge was:

Through an unspecified series of events, Chandler was the one to leave the group instead of Kip before the series' start. Now, however many years later, he's looking for a new apartment - and finds the perfect one occupied by one Joey Tribbiani. Feel free to crackify this prompt, angst it up, or turn it into a five-sentence drabble.

And then . . . this happened. So it's full of plot holes, AU, set in like, season 7, written **very** quickly, but here it is. A story! So, I hope you all enjoy, much love!!!!

* * *

Chandler blew out a stream of smoke, tossed his spent cigarette to the ground and stepped on it.

_God, I hope no one saw that._

Giving a nervous look up and down the hallway, he found himself alone. Still alone. Even though it had been a minute, perhaps closer to two minutes since he had knocked on the door.

He gave it another tap with his knuckles, called, "Hello?" then checked his watch. The guy had said 4: 30, right?

Perhaps it had been 5: 30 . . .

Had it even been Thursday? Maybe he wasn't at the right apartment. Chandler rolled his eyes. _Okay, this is the last time I trust myself to take a message –_

"Hang on!"

Chandler nearly jumped out of his skin. He looked at the shut door in bewilderment; so there _was _someone home. Maybe he could learn to trust himself again!

He listened to the locks being undone, cocked an eyebrow as another lock was fiddled with, then smiled as the door swung open.

_Holy Attractive Italian, Batman._

Chandler blinked. He'd promised himself he'd stay away from the dudes, after the _Kip _incident eight years beforehand.

Of course, he was testily ignoring the quick groping he'd given Dave at work in the Janitor's closet. Or the drunken barn dance he'd done with Paul, that had lead to him slinking away the next morning, underwear conspicuously missing.

But those had been exceptions to the rule. He liked women, damnit, women!

This guy was hot, too hot; if Chandler had been a women, his loins would have been aching.

Who was he kidding, they were aching anyway. He was such a woman!

_He's looking at you, say something, _say _something!_

Chandler cleared his throat. "H-Hi," he managed.

"Is this about the duck? Because I don't have a duck in here, if that's what you're asking." The guy smiled in a way that Chandler could only describe as charming.

"What duck?"

"Exactly." He winked.

Chandler was confused and aroused. He shook his head, held out a hand. "I'm Chandler."

"Who?"

"Uh, I'm looking for an apartment . . . I called, like, three days ago?"

"Oh! Right, the guy with the funny name. I'm Joey." He shook Chandler's hand, slapped him on the back and practically yanked him inside. "Listen, if anyone asks about the duck-"

"There's no duck, I figured."

"Good man!" Joey grabbed two beers from the fridge, handed one to Chandler. "My roommate moved out, like, a week ago. I tell you, I love the guy, but that air humidifier was killin' me, man."

Chandler frowned. _Air humidifier?_

"But it's all Ross and Rachel again, for a while anyway, so you interested?"

_Hell yes, you sexy – Ross and Rachel?_

"Ross Geller?" Chandler squeaked.

Joey nodded. "How'd you know that?" He took a swig of beer, flopped down on his recliner.

_Slept with his sister, slept with his sister, just tell him!_

"I, uh, slept with his-" Chandler spotted a photo of Monica sitting on the counter. He swallowed his words. "-mom, I-I slept with his mom."

Joey looked slightly perturbed, but shrugged it off. "Dude, I would have gone for his sister instead." He pointed to the photo. "Monica, she's cute."

"Y-Yeah." Chandler let out an inconspicuous cough. _Cute alright, she looked adorable yelling at me for not committing. Oh God, what if she comes around now? It'll be so awkward, I _might_ just die._

He glanced around quickly, looking for an escape. _The window! We're up four stories, but it will be worth it._

He looked back at the delicious piece of man meat. "So, uh-"

Joey interrupted, saying, "I'm totally cool with the gay thing, too."

"Gay thing?" Chandler squeaked again.

"Yeah." Joey frowned at Chandler's horrified expression. "You mean you're not?"

"No!"

_Kip, Dave, Paul, Joey, _Joey_, just tell him!_

"Oh, I just thought, I mean, you we're looking at me like -" Joey winked. "You know?"

"No!"

"Okay, okay!" Joey held up his hands. "Jeez, you have to be at least bi, after sleeping with Ross' mom."

He smirked and Chandler almost fell to his knees. Why God why? Why had he been stuck with this man; being taunted by his sexiness?

He couldn't live here, it was obvious. He'd be attempting to jump Joey in a matter of days.

"I mean, sex is sex, right?" Joey laughed.

Chandler stopped his rambling thoughts to consider this. Joey didn't seem at all bothered, in fact, there was a glint in his eye. A glint that meant Joey might consider guy sex?

With Chandler?

_No, I still can't live here. It's too tempting, too_ –

"When you movin' in?"

"I can have all my things here in four hours," Chandler blurted out.

Joey smiled, winked again.

_A twitch, or a sexual gesture? It's gotta be a gesture. Oh man, I am _in!

"Great. I'll show you your bedroom."

Chandler followed Joey into the next room, legs like putty. Joey's putty. He grinned dopily.

_Chandler Bing, sex god!_

"Oh, and Monica and her friends are coming around later," Joey mentioned offhandedly.

_Oh God, I'm going out the window._


End file.
